Before marriage, we look at a potential spouse and consider all the boxes they tick.
Their Dīn. Their character. Their personality. Their family. The way they communicate. Their values. Their goals.
They tick seven out of our ten “boxes”, and we think, “This is the person I want to marry.”
Then we get married. And somewhere along the way, something strange happens. The seven boxes they do tick slowly fade into the background, while the three boxes they don’t tick become all we can see.
The qualities that once made us grateful for them become ordinary. Their kindness becomes expected. Their good character becomes something we simply assume should be there.
But their shortcomings? Those remain under a magnifying glass. And just like that, a spouse who once was answer to our duʿās eventually begins to feel like a collection of disappointments.
Not necessarily because they changed but because the lens through which we look at them changed.
Allah says:
وَقَلِيلٌ مِّنْ عِبَادِيَ الشَّكُورُ
“And few of My servants are truly grateful.”
(Sūrah Sabaʾ 34:13)
Gratitude is difficult because the human being quickly becomes accustomed to blessings. What once felt special eventually begins to feel normal. And once it feels normal, we stop noticing it.
This happens in marriage too. You stop noticing that your spouse checks whether you reached safely. You stop noticing the meals prepared, the bills paid, the children cared for, the compromises made, the emotional support given, the responsibilities carried, the forgiveness extended, and the countless little things done quietly every day.
Instead, you notice the message they forgot to send. The habit they still have not changed. The emotional need they do not always understand.
The three boxes they never ticked.
And slowly, gratitude is replaced by resentment.
My advice is, stop allowing what is lacking to erase all that is fulfilling.
One of the simplest ways of protecting a marriage is to occasionally ask yourself:
If I was meeting my spouse for the first time today, what would I appreciate about them?
Because the blessings have not disappeared, we have simply become too accustomed to it to see it.